Pie Are Squared

The best thing about pies is that they exist. The beautiful, delicious bastards. The worst thing about pies is that they exist, thus taunting all the other foodstuffs with perfection they can’t possibly hope to achieve. Another worst thing about pies is that Americans don’t realise you can put meat in them. I read an article on Time magazine’s website around Thanksgiving once, proudly proclaiming to be about to drop some truth bombs on you with a list of things you never knew about pies. Number four was that you could put meat in them. It was then that I knew I would never truly belong there, unless I opened a pie shop and  converted them forcibly. Sadly, there’s been a bit of a kerfuffle about the last load of European cultural exports to that continent, so pies might be the camel-back breaking straw.

Unless the above happens. Nobody can resist food with a moustache. It screams manliness, respectability, and a complete failure to respect society’s civilized rules. Fuck you, says moustache-food. Fuck you, society. I’m going to make my own rules and be a maverick and stuff. You can’t stop me, society. Don’t even try.

Would you like to know how to make a fantastic pie like this? The kind of moustachioed food that won’t take no for an answer? Well, I can’t tell you. It’s not my recipe. It belongs to the top-notch pie makers at Pieminister and is straight out of their recipe book, so it would be churlish of me to nick their recipes after they’ve given me so much pastry-covered joy. All I can tell you is that this is chilli con carne squared. Or rectangled. Or pied.

It’s a chilli con carne pie, is what I’m saying. Just take a few minutes there to let it finish completely blowing your mind. Look at this picture. Look at it!


That is what the inside of heaven looks like. Cut away from the rest of heaven and then put on a plate with some mashed potato. Take a vague food-porn photo of it and then watch Nathan Barley with the last bottle of Innis and Gunn in the Co-Op where someone tried to chug you earlier by the exit door. People shouldn’t be allowed to chug inside shops, that’s just taking the piss. Especially when they’re standing under a sign advertising Co-Op membership cards. It’s almost as though they cunningly stood under that sign on purpose to mislead people.

Anyway, eat more pies, Americans. Proper ones, where you make your own pastry and spend hours creating the perfect filling. Once we’re off the subject of other people’s pie recipes, I’ll probably blog a few of my own to get you started. I’m almost certain I could convert my infamous mango-banana-chicken casserole into pie form. Would that suit your insatiable demand for knowledge, internet? Would it?


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